Life Skills

I'm having surgery on Thursday to release a tendon in my hand that is stuck in scar tissue.  Although it's outpatient and relatively minor, I will be under general anesthesia.  So, now my mind wanders to all the things that can go wrong, even in minor surgery, which then leads to thoughts of my family functioning without me (even if just for a few days).  I'm afraid the people I love most might be lacking some basic life skills:

Replacing the toilet paper.
First, remove the spindle from the wall mount.  To remove the spindle from the wall mount, grasp one end with your index finger and thumb. Gently pull the spindle toward the other end to release it from the mount. If you find yourself yanking the spindle, take a deep breath and try again. Slide the toilet paper roll onto the spindle and insert back into wall mount. Although a paper towel roll is much larger, do not be intimidated. Follow the steps above and you shall find victory!

Using the laundry hamper.
Although the hamper does not have any buttons or blinking lights, it is very useful. Simply lift the lid, place your dirty clothing in the pile, and gently close the lid. The lid will not snap at you or bite you. Do not place food or drink items in the laundry hamper.

Flushing the toilet.
Much like making the bed, I do understand the argument, “I’ll just be using it again later so why flush it?” This argument is reasonable if you live somewhere really dry like Saudi Arabia or Arizona with the fear you will soon run out of drinking water and need to scavenge some from the toilet. However, we live in the good ole state of Texas where we freely frolic in toilet water so while I will thank you for your conservation attempt, feel free to flush away.

The stove.
The stove has more uses than a resting place for book bags, science projects or your chip bowl. Did you know it gets hot? And that heat can warm up food? Simply push the knob down and turn. Don’t be alarmed or confused by the clicking noise. The clicking sound is not a timer, a rat in the wall, or the sound your Call of Duty UMP 45 Vector makes just as you blast the enemy to unrecognizable bits. The clicking sound lights the stove. Then simply pour your food into a pot, and wait for the magic to happen. For the “how to use a can opener” tutorial, click here.

Trash can uses.
We are not saving our popcorn boxes, chip bags or juice bottles to house our pet locust. Once you’ve consumed a food or drink product, it is perfectly acceptable to remove the bottle from the refrigerator, the bag from the pantry, or the half consumed cheese stick from your night stand and place it in the trash can. Directions to the trash can: Walk to the kitchen sink. Look 2.3 feet to your right. Open trash drawer. Drop trash in trash can. Close trash drawer. If your item rolls off the top of the overflowing trash pile and on to the floor, please do not kick it under the cabinet for someone to discover when a pack of ants have set up a tent and built a small fire next to their food source.

Eating off the floor.
Home: OK every other Thursday after housekeeper comes. Eat at your own risk every other day of the year.
Home patio: OK if the item was dropped within the hour and the ants are blown off.
Public bathroom: In the stall, not OK. Outside the stall, not OK. In fact, please do not take food in a public bathroom, ever.

Juice and soda consumption.
Just because it's not milk and contains sugar doesn't mean the entire bottle or 12 pack needs to be consumed in 24 hours from purchase. Unless it reads: BENADRYL. Then by all means, drink away!

Clippings.
Discard of your nail clippings as to avoid a puncture injury to unsuspecting feet passing by.  Plus it's just gross.  If you walked into the bathroom to find tampon wrappers and armpit shavings lying everywhere, you might find it bothersome.